Change: After one year.

It has been (roughly) 1 year, 2 months, 4 days and 6 hours since my last post…

What have I done in those 430 days? I broke down. I died. I came back.  – maybe
I should put that on my resume…

In 430 days, my worldview was ripped to shreds, put back together and expanded. in 430 days I overcame my past, I overcame myself and I learnt to treat myself with compassion and patience. 430 days ago I was a stranger to myself – and everyone around me. I was trapped in a world filled with hatred and constant turmoil. All I could see was everything that I wanted to avoid.

This post is becoming too nostalgic.

I’m a completely different person. And while I haven’t created any new work this year, next year is going to be days upon days of labor – of pouring my soul into the world. It might not be popular, it might not be particularly pretty, but that does not matter.

I’ve learnt to fight for what I believe in, for what I deem important. I’ve learn’t that everyone has a path that they need to walk – each one has different challenges and makes different mistakes. I’ve learnt that people are people. That titles and materiality act like another mask. I’ve tried organizing my life as a means of keeping from ‘getting lost’ in day-to-day life. I’ve learnt that this is a bad idea. We need to take those neatly organised boxes from our internal world, throw them all out on the floor and to keep only what is important. I’ve learn’t that being worried about the decisions of others is a meaningless exercise. We cannot change their decisions – offer support and advise (if requested) and leave it at that. You can’t do any more than what is needed.

I’ve learnt that every little thing happens for a reason. I’ve learnt how to trust. I’ve learnt not to be afraid of hurting others by following your path – they will thank you, or at least understand, some day. I’ve learnt to be honest and sincere. I’ve learnt how to stop hiding.

I’ve learnt that we all identify ourselves by identifying with others. That without others, you lose touch with who you are. I’ve learnt to share.

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One response to “Change: After one year.

  1. I just wrote this comment on another post and want to re-post it here.

    “I reached a point in march where I had nothing. I had lost my will to do anything, so I decided to force myself to fight by trying to kill myself. I fought – and won (even though I was unconscious for 3 days). Since then I’ve learnt that happiness is a trap. As soon as you reach a point where you say “everything is perfect, I am done” that’s the point where things go bad, quickly. You have nothing left to fight for, nothing left to aspire to.

    The scary part is that you don’t need to reach ‘perfection’ to go downhill, all you need to do is to over-rationalize (like I did). We all have an obligation to keep the mystery in this world alive. Beauty lies in mystery – in never quite knowing the whole story. The fact that I don’t know what interesting, and beautiful, experiences I may have tomorrow is what keeps me going. I look forward to watching the stars, to watching people learn and grow, to accomplishing things that other people just won’t understand.”

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